A Beginners Guide to Marketing Esoteric Audio Addons
Selling pixiedust as audio upgrades in 5 easy steps.

Step 1 : Always Use Emotive Wording
Lets face it : noone gives a crap if something applies a 2dB boost at 45Hz, or if causes a lowpassing effect at -3dB per octave. What they REALLY want to know is that the product "brings exceptional depth, warmth and character to the overall tonality of any unit connected". Technical details are for the dead-ears.

Step 2 : Be Effusive
When describing the differences, use words like "stunning", "astounding", "incredible" or "unbeleivable", even if the differences would only be stunning, astounding, incredible or unbeleivable to a golden-eared bat with hearing extension into the megahertz range. Noone will want to buy a product described as "providing a slight but worthwhile increase in the definition of the lower regions of the subbass range".

Step 3 : Namedrop Random Important-Sounding People Noone's Ever Heard Of
People need to feel like they are part of a club of important people before they'll fork out $2000 for a set of polished brass floor pucks. Find someone else among the 5 or so billion people on earth with just as kooky audio ideas as you have, and namedrop them. Saying a product is "recommended by both Deiter Ennemosser and Harold Taravuni" sounds much better than saying "Fred from our testing department kinda likes them". If you cant find an officious-sounding, preferably foreign person to recommend your product, just make up a name : noone looks up that crap anyway.

Step 4 : Slip Some Folding Into The Back Pocket Of An Audiophile Magazine
Golden-eared audiophiles are like furries : the rest of us wonder what the hell they are on about, but they find security among themselves when gathered together. Audiophile magazines are to golden-ears what FurCon is to furries. It provides a safe haven where they can happily express that they found that offering a prayer to the 6th avatar of Vishnu before each listening session produced an exceptional increase in dynamics, without being deservedly laughed at by almost everyone else on the planet. Therefore, its IMPERATIVE that you get your product 'reviewed' in such magazines. There is no actual reviewing involved : just write up the points you'd like highlighted and recommended, come up with a few very minor downsides you think you can live with, and enclose the list with a cheque addressed to the magazine editor. The final score will be given on an inverse logarythmic scale in accordance with the cheque value.

Step 5 : Never Make Any Scientifically Disprovable Claims
Audio is not science. Audio is a present from the spider god Anansi. As such, there is no point making scientific claims. Never, ever claim that your product will "provide a lowering of inductance in the speaker loop", or "reduce capacitance to below 1 picoFarad" (unless thats actually true). Instead, make sure you claims are along the lines of "depth, imaging and warmth are stunning, with an exceptional decrease in harshness and graininess overall". That way, if the heathenistic scientist types show that theres no physical difference in the signal, you can still come back with "Well, I can hear it, and so can Dieter Ennemosser".


So there you go. Now go get rich. I want some brass pucks as a thankyou when you crack your first mil.

lol

haha i like it

brilliant

Very good.

So where can i get Brass Pucks from?
Autobarn didn't have any in stock...

http://www.combak.net/feet&bases/FEET&BASES.htm

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAAHAH

HOLY crap that's f***ing classic ahahahahahahahahahahaha

Lmfao, thats priceless.

"You'll notice the difference the instant you turn on the music. When positioned correctly upon a speaker or PC board*, Harmonix tuning bases bring your sound alive. They greatly improve overall bass response, mid-range definition and dynamic range. By redistributing mechanical vibration, the bases boost mid-range transients, and eliminate much of the nasal, metallic noise sometimes found even in high-end speakers. Placing the bases around the tweeter reduces treble grain, increases purity of sound, and produces more space and transparency. And you'll love the three-dimensional widening of the sound stage'

LMFAO!

Phil

with a writeup like that ill take 3

*Be sure to get professional assistance from a qualified specialist when deciding to position tuning bases; incorrect usage and placement of tuning bases can lead to shoat circuits and damage to components.

hah

This extreme subjectivist audiophilia is suicidal in the audio sense. It should be illegal.
Id lose my sanity and spiral to my death if i stepped in this audio dog poo.

PEBBLES!
I think this guy is taking the piss.

What the heck is it? Brilliant Pebbles is a unique room & system tuning device for audio systems and satellite TV. Original (Large) Brilliant Pebbles is a 3-inch clear glass bottle containing various minerals/stones.

A number of highly-specialized, proprietary techniques are used for preparation/assembly. Brilliant Pebbles acts as both a vibration "node damper" and EMI/RFI absorber via various atomic mechanisms in the crystal structures. On the floor in room corners, Large Brilliant Pebbles reduces comb filter effects caused by very high sound pressure levels in the corners when music is playing. Large Brilliant Pebbles is also effective on tube and solid state amps, on speaker cabinets, on armboards of turntables and on tube traps. One Large BP on satellite TV receiver produces considerably better image density, resolution & color saturation. Original (Large) $129 each. 30-day money back guarantee.

http://www.estroarmonico.com/cinti2/images/P1010005.jpg


http://www.machinadynamica.com/machina64.htm

Summary
The Intelligent Chip works quantum mechanically - via coherent quantum superposition and quantum entanglement. Two coherent light sources (the CD player laser and the quantum material in the chip) interact strongly with the atoms and molecules in the CD's polycarbonate layer to produce long-lasting, superior transparency. The superior optical transparency produces better optical signal to noise ratio (SNR), thus better sound. Laser light escapes the player through a number of small holes and narrow gaps in the player case. The emitted light from the quantum material in the chip instantly comingles with the CD laser light in the room and inside the player. The "new machine" from the makers of the Intelligent Chip apparently improves upon the light-matter interaction process and actually lends credence to this Definitive Explanation.

This just made my day!
I can't stop laughing at this thread!

Mmmmmmmmmmmmm

Quarks...........



Phil

These people should write movies. They can use enough psuedo-science terms to convince anyone that what is happening is real. Just like placing brass mushrooms at strategic places around a room increases the velocital flux capacitance of the sound waves angular distortional quotient, creating a warm, full sound, not unlike the warmth of the bullcrap real mushrooms are grown in.