********************************************************************************
********************
WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX
10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8)The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.
6) It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else,
because you are.
5) Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.
4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.
3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2) Less guilt the morning after.
And the number one reason why trick or treating is better than sex is...
1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.
******************************************************************
Pregnancy FAQ
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's
borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A: Nothing (if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him).
Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but
pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in
labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A: When you see teeth marks.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act
normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
**********************************************************
Party Games For Old People
10. Sag! You're it!
9. Pin the toupee on the bald guy.
8. 20 questions shouted in your good ear.
7. Kick the bucket.
6. Red Rover Red Rover, the nurse says bend over.
5. Doc doc goose.
4. Simon says something incoherent.
3. Musical recliners.
2. Spin the bottle of Mylanta.
AND THE NUMBER 1 PARTY GAME FOR OLD PEOPLE IS...
1. Hide and go pee
Full Version: a few jokes
QUOTE
Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A: Nothing (if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him).
A: Nothing (if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him).
hahhahahahahahhahahhaha
[quote name='Nick1.8L' date='Sep 4 2006, 09:57 PM' post='709341'] ********************************************************************************
********************
Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.
Gold just gold!! LOL
********************
Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.
Gold just gold!! LOL
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but
pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
parrot joke
A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey Parrot.
"What about his one, Madam? A beautiful bird, and it's an absolute steal at only $20."
"Why is it so cheap?" the woman asks.
"Well", replies the assistant, "it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch flowery."
"Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, "I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot". So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home.
Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman "f*** me, a new brothel and a new madam".
"I'm not a madam and this is not a brothel," scolds the woman trying not to laugh.
A little later the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home. "Un-f***ing-believable. A new brothel, a new madam, and now two new prostitutes," says the parrot when he sees the daughters.
"Mum, tell your parrot to shut up, we're not prostitutes", complain the girls, but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at their new pet.
A short while later, the woman's husband, Dave comes home.
"In-f***ing-credible, a new brothel, a new madam, new prostitutes, but the same old clients.......how ya doin' Dave?"
Silence..........
A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey Parrot.
"What about his one, Madam? A beautiful bird, and it's an absolute steal at only $20."
"Why is it so cheap?" the woman asks.
"Well", replies the assistant, "it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch flowery."
"Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, "I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot". So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home.
Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman "f*** me, a new brothel and a new madam".
"I'm not a madam and this is not a brothel," scolds the woman trying not to laugh.
A little later the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home. "Un-f***ing-believable. A new brothel, a new madam, and now two new prostitutes," says the parrot when he sees the daughters.
"Mum, tell your parrot to shut up, we're not prostitutes", complain the girls, but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at their new pet.
A short while later, the woman's husband, Dave comes home.
"In-f***ing-credible, a new brothel, a new madam, new prostitutes, but the same old clients.......how ya doin' Dave?"
Silence..........
^^ That's awesome
A few Frankston jokes, I know some are oldies.. but still worthy of a laugh
Q. Two Frankstongirls jump off a cliff. Who wins?
A. Society.
Q. What does a Frankston girl use as protection during sex?
A. A bus shelter.
Q. What do you call a 30 year old Frankston girl?
A. Granny.
Q. Why did the Frankston girl cross the road?
A. To start a fight with a complete stranger for no reason whatsoever.
Q... What do you call a Frankston girl in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.
Q. What's the first question during an Frankston quiz night?
A What you looking at?
Q. Two Frankston kids in a car without any music - who is driving?
A. The policeman.
Q. What's the difference between a Frankston boy and an Frankston girl?
A. A Frankston girl has a higher sperm count.
Q. Three Frankston youths drive over a cliff in a Ford. What is wrong?
A. The car seats five.
Q. What's the most confusing day in Frankston?
A. Fathers day
Q. How do people know Jesus wasn't born in Frankston?
A. You try finding 3 wise men and a virgin there!
A Frankston Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.
The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall." She says "I'll take the red one."
The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher."
Q. Two Frankstongirls jump off a cliff. Who wins?
A. Society.
Q. What does a Frankston girl use as protection during sex?
A. A bus shelter.
Q. What do you call a 30 year old Frankston girl?
A. Granny.
Q. Why did the Frankston girl cross the road?
A. To start a fight with a complete stranger for no reason whatsoever.
Q... What do you call a Frankston girl in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.
Q. What's the first question during an Frankston quiz night?
A What you looking at?
Q. Two Frankston kids in a car without any music - who is driving?
A. The policeman.
Q. What's the difference between a Frankston boy and an Frankston girl?
A. A Frankston girl has a higher sperm count.
Q. Three Frankston youths drive over a cliff in a Ford. What is wrong?
A. The car seats five.
Q. What's the most confusing day in Frankston?
A. Fathers day
Q. How do people know Jesus wasn't born in Frankston?
A. You try finding 3 wise men and a virgin there!
A Frankston Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.
The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall." She says "I'll take the red one."
The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher."
why did the scarecrow win an award?
cause he was outstanding in his field!
cause he was outstanding in his field!
I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.
QUOTE (hsvmonarogen3 @ Aug 20 2008, 08:44 PM) 
why did the scarecrow win an award?
cause he was outstanding in his field!
cause he was outstanding in his field!
*writes on hand*
What did one saggy boob say to the other ?
"If we dont perk up soon people will think were nuts!"
"If we dont perk up soon people will think were nuts!"
good old blonde joke:
5 blondes go into a bar and ask for a couple of bottles of bubbly and 10 glasses.
they go to a table and start chanting 51 days 51 days.
4 more blondes walk into the bar and upto the table and then theres 9 blondes chanting and slapping high fives saying 51 days 51 days.
then the 10th blonde walks into the bar with a framed picture and slaps it on the table and they start dancing around it chanting still 51 days 51 days.
so the barmen being intrigued goes upto one and says whats with all the chanting. at this time he notices a childrens cookie monster puzzle in the frame.
the blonde says we are celebrating, as we wanted to prove us blondes are not as dumb as everyone thinks. so the 10 of us went and got this puzzle that said 2-4 years on the side of the box and we bloody did it in 51 days.
Little Johnny.
little jonny is at school when the teacher says ok children who has a 2 syllable word
dave puts his hand up the teacher goes ok whats your word, Mon-day says dave. very good replies the teacher.
now does anyone have a 3 syllable word and jane puts her hand up miss miss. and the teaches goes ok jane whats your word, jane replies with sat-ur-day, very good the teacher says.
and then before the teacher can say any more, jonny goes miss miss i know a word with 4 syllables.
the teacher goes ok johnny whats your word.
so johnny replies MAS_TER_BA_TION
the teach replies gees johnny thats a real mouthfull,,,johnny replies nah miss thats head-job thats 2 syllables
oldies but a goodie.
Q: how was the grand cannon made?
A: someone dropped a rice bubble and the etheopians are still digging for it.
Q: whats 4 poofs in a bed called
A: a game of connect 4
Q: whats the best thing about sleeping with a homeless chick
A: ya can drop her off anywhere ya bloody want
Q: whats PRIEST stand for
A: Petaphiles Researching In Every Suburb and Town
Q: whats the definition of slak
A: tieing a poof to a tree then chucking brown eyes in front of him
Q: whats the 3 biggest LIES told by a maori.
A: im the son of a maori princess, i once trialled for the allblacks, and i never ever have stood in an aussie dole line.
got 1000's of jokes in my head and the ones above i think cross the lines enough, but thats enough for me for now
5 blondes go into a bar and ask for a couple of bottles of bubbly and 10 glasses.
they go to a table and start chanting 51 days 51 days.
4 more blondes walk into the bar and upto the table and then theres 9 blondes chanting and slapping high fives saying 51 days 51 days.
then the 10th blonde walks into the bar with a framed picture and slaps it on the table and they start dancing around it chanting still 51 days 51 days.
so the barmen being intrigued goes upto one and says whats with all the chanting. at this time he notices a childrens cookie monster puzzle in the frame.
the blonde says we are celebrating, as we wanted to prove us blondes are not as dumb as everyone thinks. so the 10 of us went and got this puzzle that said 2-4 years on the side of the box and we bloody did it in 51 days.
Little Johnny.
little jonny is at school when the teacher says ok children who has a 2 syllable word
dave puts his hand up the teacher goes ok whats your word, Mon-day says dave. very good replies the teacher.
now does anyone have a 3 syllable word and jane puts her hand up miss miss. and the teaches goes ok jane whats your word, jane replies with sat-ur-day, very good the teacher says.
and then before the teacher can say any more, jonny goes miss miss i know a word with 4 syllables.
the teacher goes ok johnny whats your word.
so johnny replies MAS_TER_BA_TION
the teach replies gees johnny thats a real mouthfull,,,johnny replies nah miss thats head-job thats 2 syllables
oldies but a goodie.
Q: how was the grand cannon made?
A: someone dropped a rice bubble and the etheopians are still digging for it.
Q: whats 4 poofs in a bed called
A: a game of connect 4
Q: whats the best thing about sleeping with a homeless chick
A: ya can drop her off anywhere ya bloody want
Q: whats PRIEST stand for
A: Petaphiles Researching In Every Suburb and Town
Q: whats the definition of slak
A: tieing a poof to a tree then chucking brown eyes in front of him
Q: whats the 3 biggest LIES told by a maori.
A: im the son of a maori princess, i once trialled for the allblacks, and i never ever have stood in an aussie dole line.
got 1000's of jokes in my head and the ones above i think cross the lines enough, but thats enough for me for now
doctor: lady i've got good news and bad news
lady: what's the bad news?
doctor: your baby is a rangger
lady: ohnoes, what's the good news?
doctor: it was still born
lady: what's the bad news?
doctor: your baby is a rangger
lady: ohnoes, what's the good news?
doctor: it was still born
Daughter: Mum I think I want to divorce George
Mother: Why?
Daughter: All George ever wants is anal sex, my a#$hole is the size of a 50cent coin constantly.
Mother: George is a successful business man, he is a multi-millionair, he gives you an allowance of 5000 a week, you drive a ferrari, he has real-estate all over the world, and you want to throw that away for 45cents?
Mother: Why?
Daughter: All George ever wants is anal sex, my a#$hole is the size of a 50cent coin constantly.
Mother: George is a successful business man, he is a multi-millionair, he gives you an allowance of 5000 a week, you drive a ferrari, he has real-estate all over the world, and you want to throw that away for 45cents?
Why did jimmy fall off the swing?
Someone threw a fridge at him
Why did sally fall off her bike?
Sally was a fish
how do you get an elephant into a fridge?
open it and put him in.
how do you get a giraffe in a fridge?
take out the elephant, put the giraffe in
Simba calls a meeting with all the animals in the land, who isnt there?
the giraffe, he's still in the fridge.
why does the elephant have yellow paint on its soles?
so it can hide upside down in a bowl of custard
whats pink and fluffy?
pink fluff
whats blue and fluffy?
pink fluff holding its breath
Why did the koala fall out of the tree?
It was dead
Why did the second koala fall out of the tree?
It was stapled to the first koala
Why did the third koala fall out of the tree?
Peer pressure
Why did the kangaroo die?
It was hit in the head by 3 Koalas.
what's black, sits in a tree and is very dangerous?
a crow with a machine gun
why did the plane crash
becasue the pilot was a tomato.
whats brown and sticky?
a stick.
What do you call a cow with only three legs?
Lean Beef
What's the difference between a duck??
One of its legs is both the same.
2 sausages are in a pan, 1 sausage looks to the other and says
"how you going mate?"
The other looks to his fellow sausage and says,
"F*** ME! a talking sausage!"
2 cows in a paddock
one cow says "moo"
other cow says "you bastard, i was going to say that!"
What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?
Robin, get in the car.
Why did the scarecrow get a medal?
because he was outstanding in his field.
If your girlfriend walks out the bathroom with cum running out both sides of her mouth what does it mean ?
The floors level.
What's the difference between an orange and a banana?
Nothing, except the orange is round.
the easter bunny walks into a bar and the barman says ' what, is this some kind of joke? '
What was the first ever smoke signal?
"Oh **** my blanket's on FIRE!!"
What do you call a fish with no eye's?
A Ffssssshhhhhh
How do you hide an elephant?
Paint its toe nails red and put it in an apple tree!
How many times have you seen an elephant in an apple tree?
See it WORKS!
What did one maori statue say to the other maori statue?
Statue bro
what do you call a witch that lives at the beach?
A sandwich
what do you call an underwater spy?
James Pond!!
what do you call a man with a car on his shoulders?
Jack
what do you call a man living under a pile of leaves??
russell
what do you call a guy that lives at your front door step??
matt
why did the orange stop rolling??
it ran out of juice
Breaking news - Sam Toucan, Snap, Crackle, Pop, and Coco the monkey were found dead this morning.
Police are searching for a cereal killer.
I just got banned from bunnings. I went in and some prick in a green apron asked me if i wanted decking. luckily i got the first punch in...
what did the farmer say to the cow on his roof?
get off my roof!
what did the farmer say to the cow on his roof wearing sunglasses ?
nothing he dident reconize him.
how can u tell if there is a elephant in ya fridge?
foot prints in the butter.
how can u tell if there is 2 elephants in ya fridge?
2 sets of foot prints in the butter.
how can u tell if there is 3 elephants in ya fridge?
fridge door wont close.
Why was the elephant wearing sandals on the beach?
so he wont sink into the sand.
Why did the emu have his head in the sand?
looking 4 the elephants that weren't wearing their sandals.
i was at an ATM and an old lady ask me if i could check her balance
so i pushed her over.
A blonde had just bought a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a truck driver.
The driver motioned for her to pull over and when she did he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket and drew a circle on the side of the road.
"Stand in here and don't move" he said indicating the circle.
Once the blonde was standing inside he went over to her car and ran his key the whole way down the side of it. Turning around to give her a piece of his mind he saw her standing there smiling.
"oh that's funny is it?"
he turned back around and kicked off both the side mirrors and then put his boot through the windscreen.
Turning back around he saw the blonde grinning.
"right" he said walking to his truck and getting out a can of fuel, pours it all over the blondes car and then sets it on fire.
Turning back around the blonde is laughing so hard she is almost falling over.
"What's so funny?!" the driver shouts at her
"every time you turned around i stepped out of the circle!!!"
Fred moved to Australia and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. the donkey died.' Fred replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.' The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
Fred said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.' The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?' Fred said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.' The farmer said, You can't raffle off a dead donkey!' Fred said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.' A month later, the farmer met up with Fred and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?' Fred said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00.' The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?' Fred said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'
Fred now works for the Australian Government.
i was riding a camel the other day .. it was a female camel
i know that coz someone shouted ... look at the c**t on that camel
Someone threw a fridge at him
Why did sally fall off her bike?
Sally was a fish
how do you get an elephant into a fridge?
open it and put him in.
how do you get a giraffe in a fridge?
take out the elephant, put the giraffe in
Simba calls a meeting with all the animals in the land, who isnt there?
the giraffe, he's still in the fridge.
why does the elephant have yellow paint on its soles?
so it can hide upside down in a bowl of custard
whats pink and fluffy?
pink fluff
whats blue and fluffy?
pink fluff holding its breath
Why did the koala fall out of the tree?
It was dead
Why did the second koala fall out of the tree?
It was stapled to the first koala
Why did the third koala fall out of the tree?
Peer pressure
Why did the kangaroo die?
It was hit in the head by 3 Koalas.
what's black, sits in a tree and is very dangerous?
a crow with a machine gun
why did the plane crash
becasue the pilot was a tomato.
whats brown and sticky?
a stick.
What do you call a cow with only three legs?
Lean Beef
What's the difference between a duck??
One of its legs is both the same.
2 sausages are in a pan, 1 sausage looks to the other and says
"how you going mate?"
The other looks to his fellow sausage and says,
"F*** ME! a talking sausage!"
2 cows in a paddock
one cow says "moo"
other cow says "you bastard, i was going to say that!"
What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?
Robin, get in the car.
Why did the scarecrow get a medal?
because he was outstanding in his field.
If your girlfriend walks out the bathroom with cum running out both sides of her mouth what does it mean ?
The floors level.
What's the difference between an orange and a banana?
Nothing, except the orange is round.
the easter bunny walks into a bar and the barman says ' what, is this some kind of joke? '
What was the first ever smoke signal?
"Oh **** my blanket's on FIRE!!"
What do you call a fish with no eye's?
A Ffssssshhhhhh
How do you hide an elephant?
Paint its toe nails red and put it in an apple tree!
How many times have you seen an elephant in an apple tree?
See it WORKS!
What did one maori statue say to the other maori statue?
Statue bro
what do you call a witch that lives at the beach?
A sandwich
what do you call an underwater spy?
James Pond!!
what do you call a man with a car on his shoulders?
Jack
what do you call a man living under a pile of leaves??
russell
what do you call a guy that lives at your front door step??
matt
why did the orange stop rolling??
it ran out of juice
Breaking news - Sam Toucan, Snap, Crackle, Pop, and Coco the monkey were found dead this morning.
Police are searching for a cereal killer.
I just got banned from bunnings. I went in and some prick in a green apron asked me if i wanted decking. luckily i got the first punch in...
what did the farmer say to the cow on his roof?
get off my roof!
what did the farmer say to the cow on his roof wearing sunglasses ?
nothing he dident reconize him.
how can u tell if there is a elephant in ya fridge?
foot prints in the butter.
how can u tell if there is 2 elephants in ya fridge?
2 sets of foot prints in the butter.
how can u tell if there is 3 elephants in ya fridge?
fridge door wont close.
Why was the elephant wearing sandals on the beach?
so he wont sink into the sand.
Why did the emu have his head in the sand?
looking 4 the elephants that weren't wearing their sandals.
i was at an ATM and an old lady ask me if i could check her balance
so i pushed her over.
A blonde had just bought a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a truck driver.
The driver motioned for her to pull over and when she did he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket and drew a circle on the side of the road.
"Stand in here and don't move" he said indicating the circle.
Once the blonde was standing inside he went over to her car and ran his key the whole way down the side of it. Turning around to give her a piece of his mind he saw her standing there smiling.
"oh that's funny is it?"
he turned back around and kicked off both the side mirrors and then put his boot through the windscreen.
Turning back around he saw the blonde grinning.
"right" he said walking to his truck and getting out a can of fuel, pours it all over the blondes car and then sets it on fire.
Turning back around the blonde is laughing so hard she is almost falling over.
"What's so funny?!" the driver shouts at her
"every time you turned around i stepped out of the circle!!!"
Fred moved to Australia and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. the donkey died.' Fred replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.' The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
Fred said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.' The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?' Fred said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.' The farmer said, You can't raffle off a dead donkey!' Fred said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.' A month later, the farmer met up with Fred and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?' Fred said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00.' The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?' Fred said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'
Fred now works for the Australian Government.
i was riding a camel the other day .. it was a female camel
i know that coz someone shouted ... look at the c**t on that camel
QUOTE (Sir-Psycho-Sexy @ Oct 9 2008, 04:49 PM)
Why did jimmy fall off the swing?
Someone threw a fridge at him
Someone threw a fridge at him
why did the girl fall off the swing?
cause she had no arms
Little Johnny is in class and the teacher wants the word " fascinate" put into a sentence correctly.
Marylou`s hand shoots up, i know Miss she replies. I was watching the ants attack a grasshopper and it was very fascinating she said.
Teacher says thats very close Marylou but not correct.
Up shoots Mabels hand, i know miss. There was two dogs in the playground on top of each other and i watched for 5 minutes and was so fascinated by them.
Again the teacher has to disagree and end explain that this too was incorrect
Meanwhile little Johnny is getting RSI from putting his hand up
and the teacher is wary of his comments, but relents and lets him have a go. 
Well Miss, my aunty Shirley has this beautiful pink cardigan that has ten buttons, But her tits are so big she can only fascinate
Off to the headmasters office again i`d imagine.
Marylou`s hand shoots up, i know Miss she replies. I was watching the ants attack a grasshopper and it was very fascinating she said.
Teacher says thats very close Marylou but not correct.
Up shoots Mabels hand, i know miss. There was two dogs in the playground on top of each other and i watched for 5 minutes and was so fascinated by them.
Again the teacher has to disagree and end explain that this too was incorrect
Meanwhile little Johnny is getting RSI from putting his hand up
and the teacher is wary of his comments, but relents and lets him have a go. Well Miss, my aunty Shirley has this beautiful pink cardigan that has ten buttons, But her tits are so big she can only fascinate
Off to the headmasters office again i`d imagine.
Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster! Paddy missed the tube & Mick came on the bus!!
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A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!'
Paddy handed his drink back & said 'Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!'
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Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks 'How many people are flying with you?'
Paddy replies 'I don't know! Its your f***ing plane!!'
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Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy 'I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!'
He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down & shouts 'I'M A LIGHT BULB! I'M A LIGHT BULB!' Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts 'Paddy you're mad, go home' So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
'Where the hell are you going?' asks the Foreman..
'I cant work in the friggin dark! ' says Murphy.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing sex Paddy says 'I wonder how the girls are getting on'
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses & lies on the bed spreadeagled & says 'You know what I want dont you?'
'Yeah,' says Paddy. 'The whole friggin bed by the looks of it!'
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy's chat up lines:
1. Did ya fart? 'Cos ya just blew me away!
2. Are your parents retarded? 'Cos your special!
3. My love for you is like diarrhoea. I just cant hold it in!
5. Your body reminds me of a spanner. Evertime I think of you my nuts tighten up!
6. You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty is only a light switch away!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbours dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says 'To hell with this!' & storms off.
He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks 'What did you do?'
Paddy replies 'Ive put the dog in our garden, lets see how they like it!'
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue. 'Be Jeysus!' he said, 'I didnt even know they had mobile phones!'
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick say 'Crikey! Theres a bloke here who was 152!'
Paddy says 'Whats his name?'
Mick replies 'Miles from London!'
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Clean can be funny.
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'
So he tied her up and went golfing.
*****************************************
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'
'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'
********************************************
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
*************************************
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'
************************************ ***********
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something.
We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'
'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back.
'I'm so tired of chardonnay.
********************************************
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
***************************************************************
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
**************** ***************************
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!'
Paddy handed his drink back & said 'Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!'
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks 'How many people are flying with you?'
Paddy replies 'I don't know! Its your f***ing plane!!'
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy 'I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!'
He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down & shouts 'I'M A LIGHT BULB! I'M A LIGHT BULB!' Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts 'Paddy you're mad, go home' So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
'Where the hell are you going?' asks the Foreman..
'I cant work in the friggin dark! ' says Murphy.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing sex Paddy says 'I wonder how the girls are getting on'
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses & lies on the bed spreadeagled & says 'You know what I want dont you?'
'Yeah,' says Paddy. 'The whole friggin bed by the looks of it!'
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy's chat up lines:
1. Did ya fart? 'Cos ya just blew me away!
2. Are your parents retarded? 'Cos your special!
3. My love for you is like diarrhoea. I just cant hold it in!
5. Your body reminds me of a spanner. Evertime I think of you my nuts tighten up!
6. You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty is only a light switch away!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbours dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says 'To hell with this!' & storms off.
He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks 'What did you do?'
Paddy replies 'Ive put the dog in our garden, lets see how they like it!'
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue. 'Be Jeysus!' he said, 'I didnt even know they had mobile phones!'
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick say 'Crikey! Theres a bloke here who was 152!'
Paddy says 'Whats his name?'
Mick replies 'Miles from London!'
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Clean can be funny.
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'
So he tied her up and went golfing.
*****************************************
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'
'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'
********************************************
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
*************************************
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'
************************************ ***********
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something.
We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'
'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back.
'I'm so tired of chardonnay.
********************************************
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
***************************************************************
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
**************** ***************************
my missus said to me the other night, 'make love to me like they do in the movies!'
so i f**ked her in the ass and blew on her tits.
i think we watch different movies.
so i f**ked her in the ass and blew on her tits.
i think we watch different movies.
if you have sex with a prostitute without her permission, is it rape or shoplifting?
what is the odd one out?
toaster
washing machine
dishwasher
woman
toaster, its the only one that doesnt drip when its f**ked
if your girlfriend walks out of the bathroom with cum running down both sides of her mouth, what does it mean?
the floors level
what is the odd one out?
toaster
washing machine
dishwasher
woman
toaster, its the only one that doesnt drip when its f**ked
if your girlfriend walks out of the bathroom with cum running down both sides of her mouth, what does it mean?
the floors level
What's the difference between an Oral & a Rectal Thermometer?
The Taste
The Taste
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